The weather seemed to be quite chilly outside because the trees were shaking violently from the wind. Wasn't it time the weather get a bit warmer? It was April, for God's sake! She looked outside the window, hoping to find a sign of spring, perhaps some kids in shorts running around, but all she didn't see a person. But that was not what she should be worried about right now. I must focus, I have much more important things to do. You have so much to finish, and all you could think about is the weather! I don't even know if you'll be able to sleep tonight! At all! Then, she heard heard the door open. She wanted to should "How many times do I have to tell you to knock before you come in!" but for some reason, she didn't turn around. She heard her mom's voice "Honey, I know you have a lot of things to do, but take a rest for a minute or two. I brought you some food." Suddenly, the frustration and anger she felt was gone. You know what? I think you should stop stressing out and go to sleep. You'll get up earlier tomorrow and study. After all, you focus much better when you're happy and willing to work.
Kristie Lee (Comments)
Positive: I like how your writing had a lot of interesting details in it and it seems like you did a good job in showing your character's thoughts in a third person perspective :)
Negative: Some of your sentences seem to have several grammatical errors- For instance:"She wanted to should.."
Also, you have a typo in this sentence: "Then, she heard heard the door open."
Alice Ahn (Comments)
Daeun, great job! I really like your paragraph. It is realistic and descriptive, allowing the readers to picture the scene. The emotions and mood is pervaded well in the writing and you used the stream of consciousness writing in the best extent. Great job! Somethings to point out is that some sentences include spelling errors as well as grammatical errors. Other then that, great job! :)
Alena Koo: HEYY DAEUN LEEEEE!
Very modern stream of consciousness. :)
I liked how you incorporated many different elements in your essay, and caused the reader to become confused for a second about what was going on. I thought it was good that you described the atmosphere around you before sharing your own thoughts, because it helped the reader know more about what was going on. Your paragraph was also interesting because it was a similar to a story near the end. Just try to be more careful about using too many "I"s, but other than that, I think you did a great job!
Nana Park: I really liked the way you started your writing. By reading the first sentence of your paragraph, I also started to look outside the window and wonder at this crazy weather. I liked the way you used "I" to describe your mental state:) But one thing I want to point out is that some of your sentence do not make sense. Such as "She wanted to should" and "but all didn't see a person." Other than that it is a good piece of writing!
Lauren Kang: Hey Daeun, great story or thoughts! First of all, I really loved how you set up the scene in the beginning of the story and slowly began to turn your story into a different direction. It was not sudden but a gradual transition. Also I loved your direct quotes because they really revealed the character's feelings and emotions in the story. Other than few minor grammar mistakes, the story was well written and thoughtfully organized.
The weather seemed to be quite chilly outside because the trees were shaking violently from the wind. Wasn't it time the weather get a bit warmer? It was April, for God's sake! She looked outside the window, hoping to find a sign of spring, perhaps some kids in shorts running around, but all she didn't see a person. But that was not what she should be worried about right now. I must focus, I have much more important things to do. You have so much to finish, and all you could think about is the weather! I don't even know if you'll be able to sleep tonight! At all! Then, she heard heard the door open. She wanted to should "How many times do I have to tell you to knock before you come in!" but for some reason, she didn't turn around. She heard her mom's voice "Honey, I know you have a lot of things to do, but take a rest for a minute or two. I brought you some food." Suddenly, the frustration and anger she felt was gone. You know what? I think you should stop stressing out and go to sleep. You'll get up earlier tomorrow and study. After all, you focus much better when you're happy and willing to work.
Kristie Lee (Comments)
Positive: I like how your writing had a lot of interesting details in it and it seems like you did a good job in showing your character's thoughts in a third person perspective :)
Negative: Some of your sentences seem to have several grammatical errors- For instance:"She wanted to should.."
Also, you have a typo in this sentence: "Then, she heard heard the door open."
Alice Ahn (Comments)
Daeun, great job! I really like your paragraph. It is realistic and descriptive, allowing the readers to picture the scene. The emotions and mood is pervaded well in the writing and you used the stream of consciousness writing in the best extent. Great job! Somethings to point out is that some sentences include spelling errors as well as grammatical errors. Other then that, great job! :)
Alena Koo: HEYY DAEUN LEEEEE!
Very modern stream of consciousness. :)
I liked how you incorporated many different elements in your essay, and caused the reader to become confused for a second about what was going on. I thought it was good that you described the atmosphere around you before sharing your own thoughts, because it helped the reader know more about what was going on. Your paragraph was also interesting because it was a similar to a story near the end. Just try to be more careful about using too many "I"s, but other than that, I think you did a great job!
Nana Park: I really liked the way you started your writing. By reading the first sentence of your paragraph, I also started to look outside the window and wonder at this crazy weather. I liked the way you used "I" to describe your mental state:) But one thing I want to point out is that some of your sentence do not make sense. Such as "She wanted to should" and "but all didn't see a person." Other than that it is a good piece of writing!
Lauren Kang: Hey Daeun, great story or thoughts! First of all, I really loved how you set up the scene in the beginning of the story and slowly began to turn your story into a different direction. It was not sudden but a gradual transition. Also I loved your direct quotes because they really revealed the character's feelings and emotions in the story. Other than few minor grammar mistakes, the story was well written and thoughtfully organized.